Dimes

We are about to hit the nine month anniversary it even hits on a Friday this time everyone keeps telling me how good I'm doing.  They don't know I still sleep with your jacket, I still cry a lot.   I miss you so much its hard to sleep without hearing the tick of your heart.  I watch the hummingbirds in the evening and want to prop my feet on your chair or lay my head on your shoulder.  Last week I got my monthly letter from the insurance saying they're still waiting on the toxicology report. 

Rebecca called she found a dime and had to check on me.  As I was cleaning the desk off I kept finding change but not one dime, I was so mad I didn't understand why you sent everyone dimes but me (I've only found one) then I realised when someone finds a dime they call me. 

I wish I could be as strong as the girls then I wonder if they are as strong as we all think.  Mary loves middle school but still wants me to walk her to the bus every morning.  Jamie has graduated to the top bunk she doesn't talk about you as much as the other two and has become a little more clingy.  Grace took your picture in her about me bag, it was one of the two of you in the kayak together. 

Mom and Dad just had their 52nd anniversary, Jamie just turned 9, Grace is 7, and Mary is about to turn 12.  Time keeps passing but we won't ever pas our 16th anniversary and you'll always be 47.  I know we will be okay it all just takes time (that's what they all keep telling me). 

I traded in my van and bought a Toyota just like you wanted you would love it.  Its really nice all the doors open and everything.  I changed Grace over to a booster seat she keeps locking her seatbelt when she buckles herself in. 

Van door

I forgot if I was supposed to open the van door at the top or the bottom of the door handle I knew it was cracked I just couldn't remember which side.  Two weeks after the accident my drivers side door handle broke.  For two months I got in the van from the passengers side. Dad and Matt replaced the handle it almost always works from the outside now most of the time it works from the inside but sometimes I have to put down the window and unlock it from the outside

They say red birds are spirits from heaven coming to check on us.  I think we have a nest in the bushes by the porch they love to sit o the van  and look in the side mirrors I am afraid to put the windows down in the driveway or they might fly in.  Last time one tried to land while were in the van Grace yelled at it "Daddy why are you pooping on our car".  There is so much she doesn't understand.

I took the van to get the oil changed at Walmart I didn't realize until she asked if I had parked in line that I've never taken a car to have the oil changed before.  I kept putting it off because they say they do a 21 point inspection and I didn't really want to see everything that is wrong in writing.  I didn't know it was just lightbulbs, wiper blades, and tire pressure.  They said I don't have a back wiper which kinda makes me wonder how good they did on the oil change, I also declined having it vacuumed pretty sure they didn't ask but it is dirty and I'm sure they don't like messing with car seats.

Friday was a struggle for me it started when I turned on Pandora they were playing " one call away ".   I stopped to get gas an the way to the school and the door wouldn't open.  While doing nachos two Dads came to eat lunch with there daughters,  on the way to girl scouts I saw a bug.  On the way home they played a song about keeping a picture in your pocket of the one you love until you cash be together again.  When we got home and I tucked in the girls I had a glass of wine.

I also suck at being the tooth fairy.

Our girls

Death certificate

They have your death certificate's finally with all the errors corrected.  Everything is starting to happen now.  Workman's comp called last week they are still investigating but I should hear from them soon.  In the state of Georgia they pay part of the funeral I was surprised to hear that. 

I started attending grief group at church our Mary thought she should go with me, she does not like for me to go without her but I need it.

All the girls are still going to counseling at school Mary had hers Friday I'm not sure how many more sessions she will have they think she is doing really good and is open to talk about you freely.  They are going to pull Jamie and Grace separately this week, last time Jamie kept correcting Grace.

Dad, Matt, and Jim put in the attic stairs Saturday I was able to get up and find Jamie's cowgirl boots she was quite happy they are a little big on her but she insists on wearing them anyway. 

Drama club is performing The Wizard Of Oz this year Mary is working back stage, Jamie tried out for one of the munchkins purple.  Mary was invited into honors chorus again this year.  I was hoping the performing arts center would be finished this year.  Looks like we're driving to Roopville again this year. They are singing Irish songs this year she said she started to cry during Danny Boy the first time they sang it.

Your shop is done so is the pantry next is the bathroom. 

I'm tired sometimes I wish I could just stay in bed for a day and not take care of anything or anyone but I cant.  I overheard the girls talking yesterday they are worried about what to do for mother's day. I try to keep them from worrying about me. 

I can't help but picture you and Doug working on some crazy truck together.

Two months in

We are two months in and today it kinda feels like I'm drowning. I started looking up the news stories again I was trying to see if your engine hoist was in your van because its not here at the house.  I didn't see anything that could have been part of it.  

When I got myself together I went to home depot for paint we have over half your shop primed and every one is coming over Saturday to help Finnish things up.  Dad put the first coat of paint on the three half cabinets I'm not sure he's putting them how you wanted but we are getting them up and off the floor.

We are going to start the pantry and the bathroom next.  The second room will probably be a playroom / guest room for a couple of years anyway.

I took Mary to the eye Dr today (her appointment is tomorrow) kinda a fail on that one.  Mom and Dad stayed with Jamie and Grace while I took her of course Grace did her homework no problem for them.  Dad took us to Casa Sol for dinner I think Jamie brought a hollow leg.  Grace didn't eat much the when they were taking a bath later she got sick.  During the time I was cleaning up her, the bathroom and later the bedroom floor I had Jamie try to take Rocky outside he fought a field mouse in the garage.

She is sipping water and watching paw patrol now the other two are in bed, and the dog is in the desk chair. Things are much calmer now.  Considering its the 18th I guess I did okay.  Just would have been easier if you were here. 

The bus

The boys dropped the 510 off on Saturday and picked up the bus nothing was done to it just like you thought.  We have it covered with a tarp in the back yard until I can get a spot cleaned out in the garage.  I'm going to pick up some more on Wednesday when I take Mary to the eye Dr. 

I feel apart a couple of times today but did get things moved in the shed enough to get the pool in.  I wanted to get the Christmas tree out of the basement but Mary couldn't help me pick it up. We have another mouse down stairs its driving Rocky nuts every timer I move something he seems to knock it over.  He is mostly trying to get under the rabbit. 

The drawer front fell off one of the drawers I know I shouldn't have slammed it but I did and it fell off.  I sat on the floor and cried.  The girls were late going to bed, Mary and Jamie did get their thank you notes written Grace will be writing hers. 

The weather has been crazy we went from snow and ice to 70's in less than a week.   Mom and Dad are coming over tomorrow we are hoping to get half the new garage painted I found 3 cans of kills on the back shelf so we will see how far it takes us.  Every one is coming over Saturday to work on getting the other half ready. 

I don't know what I'm going to do with all the cars.  Your Mom asked for one at the funeral Mike asked Sunday if he could buy one of the buggies.  I don't know what any are worth Ben and Jake might have some one interested in the green camper and Ben thinks the red truck should be pretty easy to sell.  

Unsnow storm

Our big snow storm turned into only freezing rain.  Jamie didn't seem to mind she was outside every time I turned around.  We did manage to clean out the dressers and get all the girls cloths put away.

Monday I worked in the front office at the school.   Tuesday I had coffee with Amy then went to home depot I got the weather stripping we needed for the garage.  Mom and Dad came over today we painted the trim around the garage door, put up the striping and insulated 1/2 the big wall.  We used the last full sheets of pressed wood. Next is painting the walls and cabinet then hanging them.

Brian finished paying off the 510 the boys had said they would deliver it for me, when they do that are also going to get the bus and bring it back home.   I don't really know what to do about the cars, your Mom wants one of the bugs and Tom wants the Nissan back.    

I'm tired today but it is a good tired

Garbage service, ice, girl scout cookies, and building toys

Carolyn and Steve started garbage service for us this week.  The girls think its cool that we don't have to take it any more.  They were forecasting four inches of snow for the weekend, school released two hours early then we hurried to Carrollton to give out the troops cookie forms we have less than a month for pre orders.  Ended up all we got was about an inch of ice not that the girls cared they still played in it I had a hard time keeping Jamie inside.  Mary and I put her selfie booth together they put a couple pillows in the bottom now the dog has moved in he kept trying to push the girls out when they were playing.

I took down all the Christmas decorations except the nativity scene every thing but the tree is even in the loft of the building.  We watched kids baking challenge tonight Mary told me if I could teach her how to cook she could be on that show because she has great ideas.  I love her confidence at home just wish she took it out of the house with her.

Back to "normal"?

We made it thru the holidays I think Mary, Jessica,  and I cried most of mass on Christmas eve.  You would have loved the service they had all the kids come in with Father and stay at the alter until after the sermon.  I did much better on new years until dinner Mom smiled at me and I lost it poor Ben may never sit next to me again. 

School starts back tomorrow its nine o'clock all three girls have been up multiple time the usual excuses, the blue light won't work on Graces dream light, Jamie has a loose tooth, Mary can't sleep.  I told them if they give me a hard time in the morning I would take away the tablets.

It has rained the last few days I haven't noticed any water in the basement.  Dad wants to put the storm door up tomorrow he is worried about the landing getting wet with out any flooring down.  I am still hoping to put down the bamboo floors like we had planned, your Mom wants me to do laminate because Rodney put it in his house.  I just think the real wood is better and like you said the bamboo is very strong.

The noon mass on Wednesday is being said for you I'm trying to decide if I should change your tree for flowers then or wait until Sunday.  We didn't get to visit after church on new years eve Dad just doesn't understand go over for some reason.  However he will probably check on the tree tomorrow after theory do the counting. Maybe he just doesn't want to see us upset.