We put new flowers on your grave for your birthday it looked like someone moved your little cars around, it seems kinda fitting as I sold the buses last week not the best time  for me but that doesn't seem to matter. 

I guess your mother is doing better she was unable to travel for Graces first communion or the girls birthday party.   She was able to go to Ireland for two weeks hopefully it will be a healing trip for her.   She hasn't spoke to us since about June when I told her not to talk about having break downs or financial problem s to the girls.

The basement flooded again we thought we had it fixed back in February when it did it last but last week we had about 6inches of rain over night it seems like even more water was coming off the road than before.  I emailed our council member they are supposed to come out tomorrow and talk to me of course Mom and Dad are out of town so hopefully they will listen and actually fix something.

The drama club is doing a 50's Christmas musical this year Jamie and Grace have joined so I'm in the process of making 28 poodle skirts.   This group gets bigger every year.

The girls keep getting bigger and smarter every day it seems Mary is a head taller than me and judging by her feet she has a lot of growing still. She qualified for quest this year and is still loving band and chorus.  Jamie is pushing 5 foot and still as thin as a rail she is still in quest wants to play drums next year in band and  weight lifting.   Grace is doing great she takes after Mary in personality they are still opposites when it comes to looks

I bought the dog a new sweater did not realize at the time it was Alabama's colors, the girls said l broke him by dressing him in it

Uniforms

I took your uniforms today and turned them in.  It seemed like a simple task but even that was hard.  The receptionist in Carrollton was very sweet of course none of the guys were around.  She said Steve was doing okay I haven't heard from him or Brian in a while.  The girls and I have been invited to the next cook out we will see if they are ready.

Cookies are in we have booths Friday night and Saturday morning this week hopefully we do good and I ordered enough cookies.  We also have something at church on Sunday afternoon not sure how long we will stay. 

I ordered coloring books for the girls today that are supposed to help them with the grieving process.  Jamie still does not talk about you Monday she started crying because Mary did not want to play.  She is becoming a little defiant not always listening to me.  Mary is angry with Grace most of the time I'm not sure why,  she ask some very hard questions she wants to know what injuries you had I hate having to tell her I don't know but I do think it is for better that we don't.  Grace is starting to talk more now age accepts that you are gone.  I'm not sure she understands that you did not know you weren't coming home when you left for work that morning. 

I met with the grief group again I think it is good for me the book and journal are hard to do they really make you think, I guess that is good.

Dad and Matt fixed my door handle sort of it won't unlock from the inside if it locks I have to put the window down and unlock it from the out side and open.  Just one more quirk for poor old Astro.

Our girls are growing into beautiful young ladies.  Mary is now taller than me, she is quite happy about it.

Dimes

We are about to hit the nine month anniversary it even hits on a Friday this time everyone keeps telling me how good I'm doing.  They don't know I still sleep with your jacket, I still cry a lot.   I miss you so much its hard to sleep without hearing the tick of your heart.  I watch the hummingbirds in the evening and want to prop my feet on your chair or lay my head on your shoulder.  Last week I got my monthly letter from the insurance saying they're still waiting on the toxicology report. 

Rebecca called she found a dime and had to check on me.  As I was cleaning the desk off I kept finding change but not one dime, I was so mad I didn't understand why you sent everyone dimes but me (I've only found one) then I realised when someone finds a dime they call me. 

I wish I could be as strong as the girls then I wonder if they are as strong as we all think.  Mary loves middle school but still wants me to walk her to the bus every morning.  Jamie has graduated to the top bunk she doesn't talk about you as much as the other two and has become a little more clingy.  Grace took your picture in her about me bag, it was one of the two of you in the kayak together. 

Mom and Dad just had their 52nd anniversary, Jamie just turned 9, Grace is 7, and Mary is about to turn 12.  Time keeps passing but we won't ever pas our 16th anniversary and you'll always be 47.  I know we will be okay it all just takes time (that's what they all keep telling me). 

I traded in my van and bought a Toyota just like you wanted you would love it.  Its really nice all the doors open and everything.  I changed Grace over to a booster seat she keeps locking her seatbelt when she buckles herself in. 

Van door

I forgot if I was supposed to open the van door at the top or the bottom of the door handle I knew it was cracked I just couldn't remember which side.  Two weeks after the accident my drivers side door handle broke.  For two months I got in the van from the passengers side. Dad and Matt replaced the handle it almost always works from the outside now most of the time it works from the inside but sometimes I have to put down the window and unlock it from the outside

They say red birds are spirits from heaven coming to check on us.  I think we have a nest in the bushes by the porch they love to sit o the van  and look in the side mirrors I am afraid to put the windows down in the driveway or they might fly in.  Last time one tried to land while were in the van Grace yelled at it "Daddy why are you pooping on our car".  There is so much she doesn't understand.

I took the van to get the oil changed at Walmart I didn't realize until she asked if I had parked in line that I've never taken a car to have the oil changed before.  I kept putting it off because they say they do a 21 point inspection and I didn't really want to see everything that is wrong in writing.  I didn't know it was just lightbulbs, wiper blades, and tire pressure.  They said I don't have a back wiper which kinda makes me wonder how good they did on the oil change, I also declined having it vacuumed pretty sure they didn't ask but it is dirty and I'm sure they don't like messing with car seats.

Friday was a struggle for me it started when I turned on Pandora they were playing " one call away ".   I stopped to get gas an the way to the school and the door wouldn't open.  While doing nachos two Dads came to eat lunch with there daughters,  on the way to girl scouts I saw a bug.  On the way home they played a song about keeping a picture in your pocket of the one you love until you cash be together again.  When we got home and I tucked in the girls I had a glass of wine.

I also suck at being the tooth fairy.

Our girls

Death certificate

They have your death certificate's finally with all the errors corrected.  Everything is starting to happen now.  Workman's comp called last week they are still investigating but I should hear from them soon.  In the state of Georgia they pay part of the funeral I was surprised to hear that. 

I started attending grief group at church our Mary thought she should go with me, she does not like for me to go without her but I need it.

All the girls are still going to counseling at school Mary had hers Friday I'm not sure how many more sessions she will have they think she is doing really good and is open to talk about you freely.  They are going to pull Jamie and Grace separately this week, last time Jamie kept correcting Grace.

Dad, Matt, and Jim put in the attic stairs Saturday I was able to get up and find Jamie's cowgirl boots she was quite happy they are a little big on her but she insists on wearing them anyway. 

Drama club is performing The Wizard Of Oz this year Mary is working back stage, Jamie tried out for one of the munchkins purple.  Mary was invited into honors chorus again this year.  I was hoping the performing arts center would be finished this year.  Looks like we're driving to Roopville again this year. They are singing Irish songs this year she said she started to cry during Danny Boy the first time they sang it.

Your shop is done so is the pantry next is the bathroom. 

I'm tired sometimes I wish I could just stay in bed for a day and not take care of anything or anyone but I cant.  I overheard the girls talking yesterday they are worried about what to do for mother's day. I try to keep them from worrying about me. 

I can't help but picture you and Doug working on some crazy truck together.

Two months in

We are two months in and today it kinda feels like I'm drowning. I started looking up the news stories again I was trying to see if your engine hoist was in your van because its not here at the house.  I didn't see anything that could have been part of it.  

When I got myself together I went to home depot for paint we have over half your shop primed and every one is coming over Saturday to help Finnish things up.  Dad put the first coat of paint on the three half cabinets I'm not sure he's putting them how you wanted but we are getting them up and off the floor.

We are going to start the pantry and the bathroom next.  The second room will probably be a playroom / guest room for a couple of years anyway.

I took Mary to the eye Dr today (her appointment is tomorrow) kinda a fail on that one.  Mom and Dad stayed with Jamie and Grace while I took her of course Grace did her homework no problem for them.  Dad took us to Casa Sol for dinner I think Jamie brought a hollow leg.  Grace didn't eat much the when they were taking a bath later she got sick.  During the time I was cleaning up her, the bathroom and later the bedroom floor I had Jamie try to take Rocky outside he fought a field mouse in the garage.

She is sipping water and watching paw patrol now the other two are in bed, and the dog is in the desk chair. Things are much calmer now.  Considering its the 18th I guess I did okay.  Just would have been easier if you were here.