Uniforms

I took your uniforms today and turned them in.  It seemed like a simple task but even that was hard.  The receptionist in Carrollton was very sweet of course none of the guys were around.  She said Steve was doing okay I haven't heard from him or Brian in a while.  The girls and I have been invited to the next cook out we will see if they are ready.

Cookies are in we have booths Friday night and Saturday morning this week hopefully we do good and I ordered enough cookies.  We also have something at church on Sunday afternoon not sure how long we will stay. 

I ordered coloring books for the girls today that are supposed to help them with the grieving process.  Jamie still does not talk about you Monday she started crying because Mary did not want to play.  She is becoming a little defiant not always listening to me.  Mary is angry with Grace most of the time I'm not sure why,  she ask some very hard questions she wants to know what injuries you had I hate having to tell her I don't know but I do think it is for better that we don't.  Grace is starting to talk more now age accepts that you are gone.  I'm not sure she understands that you did not know you weren't coming home when you left for work that morning. 

I met with the grief group again I think it is good for me the book and journal are hard to do they really make you think, I guess that is good.

Dad and Matt fixed my door handle sort of it won't unlock from the inside if it locks I have to put the window down and unlock it from the out side and open.  Just one more quirk for poor old Astro.

Our girls are growing into beautiful young ladies.  Mary is now taller than me, she is quite happy about it.

Two months in

We are two months in and today it kinda feels like I'm drowning. I started looking up the news stories again I was trying to see if your engine hoist was in your van because its not here at the house.  I didn't see anything that could have been part of it.  

When I got myself together I went to home depot for paint we have over half your shop primed and every one is coming over Saturday to help Finnish things up.  Dad put the first coat of paint on the three half cabinets I'm not sure he's putting them how you wanted but we are getting them up and off the floor.

We are going to start the pantry and the bathroom next.  The second room will probably be a playroom / guest room for a couple of years anyway.

I took Mary to the eye Dr today (her appointment is tomorrow) kinda a fail on that one.  Mom and Dad stayed with Jamie and Grace while I took her of course Grace did her homework no problem for them.  Dad took us to Casa Sol for dinner I think Jamie brought a hollow leg.  Grace didn't eat much the when they were taking a bath later she got sick.  During the time I was cleaning up her, the bathroom and later the bedroom floor I had Jamie try to take Rocky outside he fought a field mouse in the garage.

She is sipping water and watching paw patrol now the other two are in bed, and the dog is in the desk chair. Things are much calmer now.  Considering its the 18th I guess I did okay.  Just would have been easier if you were here. 

Garbage service, ice, girl scout cookies, and building toys

Carolyn and Steve started garbage service for us this week.  The girls think its cool that we don't have to take it any more.  They were forecasting four inches of snow for the weekend, school released two hours early then we hurried to Carrollton to give out the troops cookie forms we have less than a month for pre orders.  Ended up all we got was about an inch of ice not that the girls cared they still played in it I had a hard time keeping Jamie inside.  Mary and I put her selfie booth together they put a couple pillows in the bottom now the dog has moved in he kept trying to push the girls out when they were playing.

I took down all the Christmas decorations except the nativity scene every thing but the tree is even in the loft of the building.  We watched kids baking challenge tonight Mary told me if I could teach her how to cook she could be on that show because she has great ideas.  I love her confidence at home just wish she took it out of the house with her.

If we make it thru December

That verse has been running thru my mind all month long like magically at midnight an January 1st everything will be better.  I know that is not true we will still have a year of first without you.  A life time of I wish Daddy was here for this.

We made it thru Christmas, we put a tree on your grave Gerber bought the girls a bunch of gifts you must have told them a lot about the girls because every one was perfect for each of them. 

Abra has continued to be there for us trying to help any way they can.  Brian and Steve stop by and check on us regularly.   They brought what could be saved from your van including by our work coat, it is still down stairs I touch it ever time I walk by it.

You parents bought me a necklace with a wing on it I added your ring to it.

I am still trying to figure out all the paper work most of it is at a stand still because the state messed up your death certificate and I am waiting on a new one. 

The dog is out of his crate he is really doing good he sleeps on the furniture of course but has not chewed anything up at night or when we have gone out. 

I put the bike rack on the van by myself.  I also took the garbage in your truck I even backed it up to the dumpster and didn't bump it.   I tried to get into the attic but brought up the wrong ladder the one you used just isn't tall enough for me. 

We are going to celebrate New Years the same way we always have, it will not be the same this year but we will make it thru.

There must be cars in heaven 2

I told the girls at school the counselor and nurse were just outside the door, I still had not received conformation that he was really gone and I still had hope he had survived so I told the he had been in a really bad accident and that he might not be able to come home.  I told my girls there must be cars in heaven and one must be broke down.

Dad drove us home, the coroner called on our way they had sent the police twice to the house.  Dad called James parents for me Mom called our priest my brothers and sisters started coming over an appointment was made with the funeral home, they announced his name on the news.  We did not watch any local TV for a week I didn't want the girls to see pictures of his van.  My sweet girls are only 11, 8, and 6.  My right hand started to shake.

On Saturday morning l looked up the articles on the internet, you have to love social media it allows people who know nothing give their account of what happened.  For those who thought he was texting or on the phone he was not (I have the phone no calls or text came or went from his phone around the time of the accident), for those who stated he should have had on his seat belt the police report states lap and shoulder harness were in use.  He was not suicidal, and we believe in God and Heaven.

God does not cause the bad things that happen in our lives he is a kind and loving God. What God does do is use the bad to show us the good in others around us.

Saturday I started making funeral arrangements my parents helped.  My nephews searched the basement for a VW emblem that I could place in his coffin with him they gave us paper at the funeral home so the girls and I could write him one last letter.  Food and toilet paper was brought to the house.  The girls have pretty much disappeared into their tablets.  They watched Netflix a lot during this time. 

Sunday we went to church that was about all I could take just one hour when father said his name asking for prayers I had to sit down.  Every time I got up set my Mary came running, she was trying to take care of me.  My sister and niece stayed at the house that first week to help me and the girls my parents came over everyday taking me any place I needed to go friends and family brought food.

Monday morning I ironed his shirt for the last time.  We went to the church to choose his final resting place.  I placed him near the road because he loved cars so much he is also near the children's part of the cemetery because he loved kids.  On the way home the funeral home called they would not be able to open the casket he did not need his suite, just jeans and a long sleeve shirt.  The one I ironed was long sleeved.  Dad took his cloths I looked for a picture.  My cousin brought one uncle and two aunts from Indiana down.  Offers for help with Christmas started coming in.

Tuesday was the visitation, the video was very nice my brother choose the pictures.  My in-laws came into town that afternoon from Florida and the girls and wrote  our letters that morning.  I don't know what Mary and Jamie wrote they sealed them with stickers before they gave them to me Grace just drew pictures on hers. 

That night I meet most of the district managers for the state including the one who went to the accident and identified my James so I didn't have to.  Abra has done nothing but look out for the girls and I from the start of this nightmare.  My sweet Grace sat next to me during the rosary the video was playing and she told father who was in every picture and why.  The deacon who baptised the girls lead the rosary service.  Most of the family came back to the house afterwards.

Wednesday morning was the funeral.  I wrote the eulogy that morning.  My sister and niece helped get the girls ready.  Dad drove us the church.  My cousin read what I had written I'm not positive the readings were what I had picked out but they brought comfort, Father's sermon was very comforting.  After lunch most of the family came to the house.

Thursday was Thanksgiving we went to Mom and Dads for lunch Grace finally got her Turkey.  My hand stopped shaking for the most part.

Friday we we're supposed to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.