Saturday, December 31, 2016

If we make it thru December

That verse has been running thru my mind all month long like magically at midnight an January 1st everything will be better.  I know that is not true we will still have a year of first without you.  A life time of I wish Daddy was here for this.

We made it thru Christmas, we put a tree on your grave Gerber bought the girls a bunch of gifts you must have told them a lot about the girls because every one was perfect for each of them. 

Abra has continued to be there for us trying to help any way they can.  Brian and Steve stop by and check on us regularly.   They brought what could be saved from your van including by our work coat, it is still down stairs I touch it ever time I walk by it.

You parents bought me a necklace with a wing on it I added your ring to it.

I am still trying to figure out all the paper work most of it is at a stand still because the state messed up your death certificate and I am waiting on a new one. 

The dog is out of his crate he is really doing good he sleeps on the furniture of course but has not chewed anything up at night or when we have gone out. 

I put the bike rack on the van by myself.  I also took the garbage in your truck I even backed it up to the dumpster and didn't bump it.   I tried to get into the attic but brought up the wrong ladder the one you used just isn't tall enough for me. 

We are going to celebrate New Years the same way we always have, it will not be the same this year but we will make it thru.

Monday, December 26, 2016

There must be cars in heaven 2

I told the girls at school the counselor and nurse were just outside the door, I still had not received conformation that he was really gone and I still had hope he had survived so I told the he had been in a really bad accident and that he might not be able to come home.  I told my girls there must be cars in heaven and one must be broke down.

Dad drove us home, the coroner called on our way they had sent the police twice to the house.  Dad called James parents for me Mom called our priest my brothers and sisters started coming over an appointment was made with the funeral home, they announced his name on the news.  We did not watch any local TV for a week I didn't want the girls to see pictures of his van.  My sweet girls are only 11, 8, and 6.  My right hand started to shake.

On Saturday morning l looked up the articles on the internet, you have to love social media it allows people who know nothing give their account of what happened.  For those who thought he was texting or on the phone he was not (I have the phone no calls or text came or went from his phone around the time of the accident), for those who stated he should have had on his seat belt the police report states lap and shoulder harness were in use.  He was not suicidal, and we believe in God and Heaven.

God does not cause the bad things that happen in our lives he is a kind and loving God. What God does do is use the bad to show us the good in others around us.

Saturday I started making funeral arrangements my parents helped.  My nephews searched the basement for a VW emblem that I could place in his coffin with him they gave us paper at the funeral home so the girls and I could write him one last letter.  Food and toilet paper was brought to the house.  The girls have pretty much disappeared into their tablets.  They watched Netflix a lot during this time. 

Sunday we went to church that was about all I could take just one hour when father said his name asking for prayers I had to sit down.  Every time I got up set my Mary came running, she was trying to take care of me.  My sister and niece stayed at the house that first week to help me and the girls my parents came over everyday taking me any place I needed to go friends and family brought food.

Monday morning I ironed his shirt for the last time.  We went to the church to choose his final resting place.  I placed him near the road because he loved cars so much he is also near the children's part of the cemetery because he loved kids.  On the way home the funeral home called they would not be able to open the casket he did not need his suite, just jeans and a long sleeve shirt.  The one I ironed was long sleeved.  Dad took his cloths I looked for a picture.  My cousin brought one uncle and two aunts from Indiana down.  Offers for help with Christmas started coming in.

Tuesday was the visitation, the video was very nice my brother choose the pictures.  My in-laws came into town that afternoon from Florida and the girls and wrote  our letters that morning.  I don't know what Mary and Jamie wrote they sealed them with stickers before they gave them to me Grace just drew pictures on hers. 

That night I meet most of the district managers for the state including the one who went to the accident and identified my James so I didn't have to.  Abra has done nothing but look out for the girls and I from the start of this nightmare.  My sweet Grace sat next to me during the rosary the video was playing and she told father who was in every picture and why.  The deacon who baptised the girls lead the rosary service.  Most of the family came back to the house afterwards.

Wednesday morning was the funeral.  I wrote the eulogy that morning.  My sister and niece helped get the girls ready.  Dad drove us the church.  My cousin read what I had written I'm not positive the readings were what I had picked out but they brought comfort, Father's sermon was very comforting.  After lunch most of the family came to the house.

Thursday was Thanksgiving we went to Mom and Dads for lunch Grace finally got her Turkey.  My hand stopped shaking for the most part.

Friday we we're supposed to celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary.

There must be cars in Heaven

As I sit here the day after Christmas looking at the tree I cannot help but think this year is ending in a way I never thought could be.

I will go back to when my world came crashing down one of the worst days of my life.

November 18,20016 it started like any other Friday I put the girls on the bus then came in talked to my husband as he got ready for work.   We were making plans for the next week when the kids were out of school. Saturday was my families Thanksgiving, Sunday church and then Monday we would leave for vacation ending the week with his family on Thanksgiving and Friday our 16th anniversary.  He kissed me twice told me he loved me and went to work.

After James left for work I took care of the dog and got ready for a quick run to Sam's then to the school to help out for the day, it was just a normal Friday until my phone rang. 

I was selling nancho's like every week when my brother called asking if I had heard from James.  He asked me to call nobody can get in touch with him there has been an accident on I 20 an Abra van was in it they can't get in touch with three guys James is one of them.  I called him it went straight to voice mail (not normal) I sent him a text when you see this please give me a call.  Then I made my first mistake I looked up the accident on the news sites 5 and 11 had distant views from the helicopter showing both sides of the interstate blocked, 2 had a closeup of the front of the van, an Abra van older model not the new boxy glass vans the paint on the front was chipped just like his. 

I immediately went into full denial mode finished the nachos cleaned up and went to the book room.  Two of the many sweet teachers at the school noticed something was wrong.  They tried to get in touch with the resource officer to see if he could confirm a name, I got the number for one of the district managers and tried calling him (he could not talk to me ) the officer was in court.  Then the assistant principal came asked all the parents (3 of us) to come look at the new computer setup in the office.   

I noticed everyone was upset but I knew some staffing changes had just been made by the county and thought that's what was wrong.  He asked me to come into his office,  my parents were there.